What Was and Now Always Is
by thatlittlegoodgirl
Summary: Lisa dies the day she and Ben were kidnapped by demons; Dean and Cas were both too late to save her. Now Ben lives with Dean, Sam, Bobby, and Cas, and is trying to be normal teenager, or as normal as you can get being a Winchester. Eventual Destiel.
1. Chapter 1

**Not completely edited yet. Finish it tomorrow.**

**Reviews greatly welcomed.**

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Ben wasn't surprised that nightmares had overtaken his dreams. As soon as they had gotten his mom to the hospital, he collapsed in one of the chairs in across the hall from his mother's room. Flashes of the day races behind his eyelids every time he closed them: calling Dean when the demons first came after him and his mom, watching his mom being knocked unconscious and then the sharp pain of being hit in the head himself and then the world fading into darkness, waking up to find his hands tied behind his back around a pole in a room full of demons, and Dean rushing down those old rusty stairs to free them.

But slowly the memories were becoming twisted, images of his mother with black eyes telling him how much of a burden he was, how much his mother didn't love him. He woke up with a start, panting and shivering. Ben got up and wanted to find Dean. Ben found Dean and his brother guarding the entrance to his mother's no empty room.

"Hey Bud, how ya holding up?"

His tongue was heavy in his mouth and anxiety that something bad had happened to his mom was starting to enclose him. "Dean, where's my mom?"

"As soon as they got her stable enough, they took her straight to surgery to stop the bleeding and assess the damage done. She's alright. Don't worry."

The boy felt tired again and before he could stop himself, Ben took a step forward and wrapped his hands around the older man's waist. Dean leaned back against the door frame and slowly smoothed down his tangled hair.

"Sammy, do you mind grabbing us a few cups of coffee? And Ben do you want anything." Dean asked the other two. Ben shook his head still laying against Dean.

Sam gave a quick nod and started off to the elevator. Looking behind him at Ben and Dean he added "I'll be right back."

Ben was trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in his eyes.

"Thanks Dean, for everything."

"For you, or your mom, I'd do anything" He patted Ben softly on the back. "While you were sleeping I asked the nurse if we could borrow one of the empty rooms. She said yes as long as they didn't need it later. I didn't know if you wanted to sleep again but the bed in there would be better than one of those chairs in the hallway."

Dean's voice was quiet but strong and he never loosened his grip on the younger boy. He could feel Ben crack a small smile against his stomach.

"Anything is better than those chairs."  
After walking the short distance across the hall to the empty room, Ben allowed Dean to halfway tuck him into the bed. As Dean started off to leave the room Ben called out.

"Don't leave me. I'm scared something will happen if you go."

A small almost sad smile spread across Dean's face. "No problem, Bud. I think I could use some shut eye too." Dean walked back over to sit in the overstuffed chair that was pushed up against the side of the bed. By now it was well past two a.m. and both Ben and Dean could feel themselves beginning to nod off.

"Goodnight, Dean." Almost immediately after shutting his eyes did he shift into the layer of sleep between dreams and reality. Minutes passed by and the sounds of people talking softly in the hallway and various noises from machines in other rooms lulled the boy completely to sleep, but instead of dreaming of demons all Ben saw was blood. His hands and clothes stained from when he held the compression close against his mother's abdomen, then everywhere he look blood oozed, making his visions swim with red. And all of a sudden he could hear men shouting and many more other frantic voices that blended together. He couldn't take anymore.

When he sat up the first thing he noticed was Dean missing from his place in the chair. The feeling something horrible pushed on him like a ton of bricks. The door was closed but he could see a part of Dean through the slit of a window on the door. It looked like he was arguing with someone that was hidden from his line of sight. He could partially hear the heated, but muffled conversation, catching snippets like 'too late', 'I tried', and 'I'm sorry'. The feeling was pressing even harder on him now. He threw open the wooden to find two shocked and sadden faces staring at him and one was unfamiliar, but Ben had a strange feeling that he knew who that was.

"Again, I'm sorry Dean, but this is not my place anymore. I'll be back." And with that the stranger, who was wearing a suit and a trench coat, disappeared with a sound that was close to a soft flutter.

He wasn't paying attention anymore when he noticed all the doctors and nurses rushing in and out of his mother's room and they pitying glances from the ones leaving. A solemn look on their faces. Ben heard alarms going off and a voice speaking over the intercom, but it was all turning into white noise in the back of his mind. The feeling was almost unbearable by now.

Ben swallowed and cleared his throat. Sam had appeared by his brother's side "Dean, what happened?"

Dean couldn't look the boy in front of him in the eyes, but somehow he found the strength to do so. " Sometime during the surgery the was a complication. The doctors couldn't..."

Ben burst into tears and lost control of his body, luckily Sam was close enough to catch him and he was vaguely aware of strong arms holding close and of Dean crying and repeating "I'm sorry, I thought I could save her, I'm sorry" over and over again. He didn't need Dean to keep talking, he knew what it meant; his mom died, she wasn't coming back, nothing was ever going to be the same again.

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**This is more of a p****rologue than a chapter. Hopefully it gets a little bit happier.**


	2. Chapter 2

Ben didn't remember ever leaving the hospital, never remembered getting into the Impala and watching the scenery change from a cityscape to the country side, didn't remember laying down on a real bed and falling into a restless sleep, and certainly didn't remember sleeping for days.

He was in shock. He was in a fog that wouldn't lift. Ben slept most of the time and no one really ever bothered him, save for when Dean came in to give him some food and stayed to make sure he ate it. The boy could tell his mother's death was affecting Dean, but Dean was too stubborn to say anything. Sometimes, though, when he thought Ben was asleep he would soundlessly open the door, sit on the edge of the bed, and sob quietly. It made Ben feel worse, seeing Dean like that, knowing how much he was hurting. It was almost too much to handle if it lasted more than a few minutes.

But Ben knew he couldn't stay in bed forever, and he was tired of sleeping, eventually he was going to have to become social again. The pain from his mother's death was tight in his chest, but it had loosened its grip a bit. Ben also knew that the pain wasn't going to go away any time soon. He rolled out of the bed, which had become his whole world for the past who knows how long, and saw that somehow he had changed into a pair of pajama pants and a thin cotton t-shirt. After looking around the smallish room for a few seconds, Ben found a pair of clean clothes in one of the dresser's drawers, they would be slightly too big but it was better than nothing. The boy changed quickly when he realized how hungry he was. Ben decided next he was going to try to find where the kitchen.

Leaving the bedroom Ben ventured into the deserted hallway. It was old and dusty, but also vaguely familiar. He looked at the pictures that lined the walls some were of people he didn't recognize but a few he tell that they were of a younger version of Dean and his brother, most were of just them two sitting on the hoods of different old cars, or just acting like normal boys. It was hard to picture them like that in this day in age now that Ben had a firsthand experience of what the Winchester's 'family business' really was.

As the boy neared the stairs he could hear three distinctive but still muffled voices. They seemed to be having a steadily growing, heated discussion about someone named Cas. He knew he shouldn't eavesdrop, especially when it was donned a 'Grown-Ups Only' conversation, except Ben couldn't help but listen as he quietly made his way down the stairs.

It was his job as a teenager to be nosy. From what he could make out, it seemed like Dean was defending who ever Cas was. Sam and the other man in the argument were disagreeing with Dean, who had some very choice words to reply back.

Before Ben could hear anymore the second to the last step of the stairs betrayed him by giving an unceremoniously loud creak. The men instantly stopped yelling.

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After a second Dean spoke up "Ben is that you?"

Ben found what passed as a dining room which was located just off the kitchen.

"Umm…yeah. I got hungry so I thought I'd come down to get something to eat."

Three sets of eyes were fixed on him. One of them belonged to man was older and felt as familiar as the house did. His name was on the tip of his tongue.

"That can be arranged." The man scrapped his chair back against the floor and stood up. "I hope just a sandwich is good. I wasn't expecting visitors for this long."

Ben sat down across from Dean. "That's fine."

Remembering his manners he added a 'thank you'.

As the older man left Dean called out "Thanks, Bobby."

Then everything slid into place with the name and face. They were in Mr. Singer's house. And he had stayed here once before, when Dean thought he and his mother had been in danger. He remembered how kindly Bobby had treated them all those years ago and knew he could trust the lifelong friend of the Winchesters.

"I…ah…I have to go do some more research. I'll be back later. It's good to see you Ben." Ben gave Sam a small nod as he left the table leaving him alone with Dean.

If Dean knew Ben had been listening into their conversation he didn't say anything. Now that everyone had left Dean let the mask covering his emotions slip revealing his sadness.

Dean swallowed. "I'm sorry, Ben. So, so, sorry. It could have been prevented."

"Dean, its not-"

The older man cut him off. "Yes it is. I could've saved her." He finished in a little no than a whisper, "Cas could've saved her. If only-"

Bobby walked back into the room and Dean's mask was back in place.

"Once you get done, Ben. I'm sure Dean can show you around the ol' place if you wanted."

"Actually I had something else in mind. Is it OK if we use that Camaro I was talking to you about?"

"I don't care. Do whatever you want. Just stop moping around everywhere you idjits."

After picking up their mess from the dining room, Dean and Ben ventured out into the salvage yard behind the house.

"I don't remember Bobby being like that."

Dean was peeking in between the rows of cars looking for one in particular.

"He's always like that, just being Bobby. You must've caught him at a good time last time you were here. Besides last time he saw you, you weren't family."

Ben brushed the last part of their conversation aside not really wanting to think about what he meant. "What are we looking for again?"

"A car that I've wanted to fix up for awhile now."

Flashes of the last time he and Dean work on a car raced in Ben's mind. He had really like working on the old muscle car. It was just another thing he and Dean had in common. Ben remember a day when he had come home after a having a bad day at school, and Dean took him outside and showed him how to change his Baby's oil. It allowed them to talk and for Ben to calm down.

"Sometimes fixing cars seems like the only thing I can fix, like when my dad died, then when I thought the world was going to end, and now when everything is so messed up."

"Here it is." Dean stopped in front of a rusted, metal, shell of a car

Ben didn't think it was much, but knowing Dean it would turn into the coolest car ever. Except maybe his Impala.

"So that's what we're going to do, me and you. We going to fix up this car and try to move on because for right now, that's all we can do. OK."

Dean had moved to stand in front of Ben placing his hand on younger boy's shoulder.

"Yeah. OK. I can do that." He gave dean a half hearted smile.

"Let's get started. First we're going to have to make a list of what we can and can't salvage."

They spent the rest of the late morning and early afternoon working on the car in a comfortable silence, listening to the local classic rock station of the car's still working radio. And that was the car's only working part. But a little into their lunch break, which was graciously provided by Sam, questions were starting to form in Ben's head.

"Dean, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, shoot."

"What's going to happen next? I mean I just can't go back home and pretend to live a normal life. What are we going to do?"

"You're right. You can't go back to your normal life." Dean turned where he was sitting to look straight at the younger boy. "Me, Sam, and Bobby talked about this and we think it's best if you come live with us." He paused collecting his thoughts. "Who knows if the demons that took you will try again and you were already kinda thrust into this life so it won't be hard to transition. You'll most likely go to school here. Me and Sam even went there at one point."

Ben nodded thinking about what going to a new school this close to the end of school would be like.

"Even though you'll be with us, you're not going on any hunts. I never really wanted a hunting type of life for you, so until I think you're ready, which for now the answer is never. You're gonna focus on what boys your age should focus on and not stuff like hunting monsters. Understand?"

"Yeah, I understand."

"And one more thing- I'm going to try to always be there for you. I don't want you to grow up feeling like me and Sam did, feeling that you weren't wanted. Unfortunately I have something I need to fix with a friend first though."

"Thanks, Dean, for everything. I don't know what I would do now that Mom's gone. And I was thinking, since I'll be living permanently with you and because you're really the only family I have left, well I was wondering if I could call you Dad."

Dean smiled, his first real smile in a long time. "Sure, Bud. I would don't mind at all. Let's get back to the house to make the arrangements official."

They picked up all Bobby's tools they had gotten out and started the short walk back up to Bobby's house. But Ben still had one last question that was nagging him.

"Um…Dad." Ben like the way that sounded. "I kinda heard you guys talking earlier, and I was wondering who Cas was."

Dean tensed a bit and shot Ben a quick glanced. "He's an angel, Castiel. And he is…was…a good friend. But he's made a couple bad decisions lately and me and Sam have to try to help him to fix it."

Ben couldn't believe it. Angels were real. He guessed that made sense cause there were demons but sometimes it seemed like there was only bad in the world. It also seemed like there were other things that were going on between the angel and the Winchesters, but Ben held back the rest of the questions for his dad's sake.


End file.
